Something switched over in me a couple months ago. I had been taking the easy way out, avoiding the difficult but meaningful act of making my contribution. I have a hard and fast new policy: The telemarketer WILL hang up first.
I share my strategies in hopes others might pick up the thread. We have a chance to create a small but important cultural shift, putting a serious dent in unwanted calls while having some fun along the way. It would be unkind and, much worse, unimaginative to insult, curse or yell at a telemarketer. That’s off the table. Creativity is fun and more rewarding. There are several types of calls, all requiring a different strategy. I’ve utilized most of these though one still sits on the bench waiting to bat.
The Switcheroo
The caller asks to speak to John. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” the unwitting target answers. I fell for this more times than I’d like to admit.
The caller uses this as his launching pad, “Well maybe you can help me. I’m Bob with the Benevolent Society of…” Click. Well that was the old me. This caller is asking for John, no last name specified. John can be anywhere, such as:
- Sad voice. “John passed, just a few days ago. It’s been so difficult, God. I’m sorry, were you an old friend?” When I used this, the caller said he would “update his records”. Turns out he and John weren’t all that close.
- Exasperated, bordering on hysterical. “No, he left, he just left. No one knows where he is. The police have been looking for him, they say he’s done terrible things. I need to keep this line open but when did you last talk to him?” This is next in the rotation, can’t wait to see how it goes.
The Direct Call
This caller is asking for me by name, likely using the Do Not Call Registry as a prospecting tool. Sadly for him, my name isn’t phonetic so he butchers it. Now I’ve got one on the hook and I really have fun with these. I channel the slow talking stoner personality living somewhere deep inside me or go somewhat manic. Either way, I try to very nicely cut the person off with questions having absolutely nothing to do with their call. And my kids LOVE when I do this.
- “What’s your favorite number? If you say eight then I’ll know you’re a Libra.” The key is to not stop. Free-associate, whatever you need to do but don’t give up the reins.
- “What’s that SMELL? Hold on, I’m going to another room. I think my wife fed the dogs chili again.” Non sequiturs are the name of the game here. Remember, there are no wrong answers.
- “Wasn’t Mork & Mindy awesome? Jonathan Winters with Robin Williams – a couple national treasures.”
Alternatively, I always enjoy doing my imitation of Hannibal Lecter. Trotting him out for some Q & A always makes for a short call. I just close my eyes, picture Anthony Hopkins in his cell and let it rip:
- “Quid pro quo Clarice. Tell me your worst childhood memory. And don’t lie, I’ll know.” And goodnight to you too, sir…
The Auto Dial
This is another crowd pleaser but it’s important to be on your toes. I’ve done this one a couple times and the timing is challenging. There are a couple of clicks and someone will start speaking. The cue is right when the human begins to speak:
- With Great Enthusiasm!: “WRFU – You’re the 13th caller and you’re on the air! For the Disney weekend and $2500 in spending money, how many rings of hell are in Dante’s Inferno?” This is a big favorite of mine. First there’s the paradigm shift, they were calling to bug me but now there’s something to be won. Next they need to process this and will want the question repeated. When they ask however, all they get in return is “five more seconds…”. Then, “I’m sorry, next caller but stay on the phone, we’ll want to get your phone number.” The irony in the last sentence is just too delicious.
I’m fairly certain my new policy has decreased the number of calls I get. On the other hand, it may just feel that way because I enjoy them so much.
love it; had me laughing from the get-go. I particularly liked the non-sequiturs. I generally hang up on these types of calls, but this looks like more fun.