I sleep through earthquakes. If one of the kids comes into our room in the middle of the night, well, I learn about it in the morning. Not long ago, some genius elected to spend the wee hours of the morning lighting fireworks in the woods behind our house. Carrie shook me, poked me and yelled for me to get up. Apparently I rose from bed, walked in a circle and said, “Let’s not overplay this”, and climbed back in bed. That’s what she tells me anyway. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I don’t drink. There is one thing that wakes me up, though…
Experience tells me it takes twelve seconds from the initial canine retch until the finished product hits carpet. If that sound wallops my eardrum, I pop out of bed like I’m sleeping on an ejection seat. The door off the bedroom is open before the wife’s eyes. She considers this oddity the eighth wonder.
Does anyone else suffer/benefit from the midnight hound heave? If so, this could be a huge marketing coup. The easiest to produce would be the alarm clock. Certainly better than a buzzer and easily as effective as a bucket of cold water. You wouldn’t use it every day but in certain instances it might be the just the thing. For example, “Doris, I have to be at the airport by 5:30 tomorrow morning, so be forewarned, I’m changing the alarm setting from ‘Shih Tzu’ to ‘Great Dane’”.
The best use of the canine cacophony could be that of the last resort. I imagine the hospital waiting room, a doctor dressed in scrubs explaining to Carrie, “Mrs. McGaughey, we’ve tried most everything and he remains unresponsive. We have one last test, still very experimental mind you, and we’re going to need your help. Do you happen to have a recording of your dog vomiting?”
If that doesn’t work just go ahead and plan the wake.
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